the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
