he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize