One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
