it's too hot outside to masturbate.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize