dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
