My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he quoted the bible to break up with me
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Randomize
