Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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