She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
