We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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