my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
