The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
