i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
