I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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