The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize