I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
