I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize