Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
