he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
