Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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