You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
There are leaves in my underwear?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
