And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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