my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
