I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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