All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
