I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
