if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize