one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize