I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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