hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
