every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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