I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
