all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
