i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
