In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
