apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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