my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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