How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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