May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
