Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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