i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
