pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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