I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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