I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
