Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
