I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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