Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
