If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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