I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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