Your tits are I can't wait for
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have fence marks all over my body
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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