Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
