I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have feelings that need drinking.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize