On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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