I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
