I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Let's get the cat blown out
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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