She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize