i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
