i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
