I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize