if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
