So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
