the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
