It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize