thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
